5 Behaviors of Manipulative People

Many of us like to think the best of people.  We like to think that they shoot straight and are forthright in their intentions.  We also like to believe that they will ask for what they want and not resort to crazy tactics to get it.  Unfortunately, however, there are times when we come across those who will do whatever it takes to get what they want…including manipulation.  Being manipulated never feels good, but the worst part of manipulation is that often, we don’t even realize that it is happening.  Here are a few ways to know if someone is trying to manipulate you:

   1. Buttering You Up: To get their way, manipulators will often make you feel good so that they can then ask you to do something that they want.  The person may first compliment you or tell you what a wonderful job you did on something.  Making you feel good will, in their mind, make it difficult for you to say no…after all, you wouldn’t want to disappoint them or give them reason to think you didn’t deserve the compliment in the first place. What you can do: Return the compliments and the niceties before saying no.
   2. Guilt: This doesn’t only pertain to Catholics and Jewish Mothers; guilt trips have been a successful manipulation tactic for centuries.  The saddest part of this strategy is that the victims of this tactic succumb to the manipulators’ demands because they feel they HAVE to, not because they WANT to.  In personal relationships, this sets up a co-dependency that is extremely unhealthy.  What you can do: Ask the individual if they want you to do something because you have to or because you want to.  If they say they want you to want to do it, tell them that you don’t and that they are trying to force you into something you don’t feel comfortable with.
   3. Broken Record: Probably the most obvious of formats is the broken record tactic.  If a person asks you enough or pushes their agenda enough…constantly repeating the question or request over and over again…in slightly different ways, the victim will inevitably give in and give them what they want.  Oye!  What you can do: Ask the individual what they don’t understand about the word “no.”  Tell them that asking you over and over again isn’t going to change anything and that they are inappropriately over-stepping boundaries.
   4. Selective Memory: This one gets me the most.  You swear you have a conversation about a plan and everyone is on the same page, and then one day, the manipulator pretends to remember the conversation completely differently, if at all.  What you can do: Record your conversations…seriously!  Okay, maybe not.  At least have a witness that you can count on to back you up if the person pulls this shenanigan.  Call them out on the fact that they conveniently change the game to fit their needs.
   5. Bullying: If a person doesn’t get their way, they make you out to look or feel like the bad guy…like you are the wrong one.  What you can do: Be firm and tell them that their bullying tactics are inappropriate and unacceptable.

Keep your eyes open for these behaviors and continue to stand your ground to ensure that you aren’t a victim of manipulation.  Have you seen any other types of manipulative behavior?

(taken from Sheer Balance by Brett Blumenthal)

April 25 2010

The silence was breaking my ears. Every one stopped and thought about what the moderator said. "Value everyone the way God values them." Easier said than done, I thought. I've been attending small group meetings and I must admit, those discussions have been very beneficial. You meet with a few guys and talk about life. It may sound boring, but believe me, it's not how it sounds; it's actually cool and fun. It's obviously not like how women conduct their meetings. No spaghetti talk if you know what I mean. It's more direct. It's more like hey dude, what do you do when you're faced with this stuff or this stuff or that stuff? It's a good place to talk about how God sees us as men and how he wants us to move about as men. Questions are raised, we answer, every one shares. Life is imparted; wisdom is increased; goals are clearly set. And this day, that statement made a difference. It spoke about the choice to forgive. I asked the moderator, "how do we value someone who said he was a brother but along the way has slandered you, made stories about you and back-stabbed you?" Everyone was careful to give their own life stories about forgiveness and how hard it was to forgive. How about the office mate who smiles at you like an angel but smiles like a devil with an enigmatic thought about you when you're not around? How about the taxi driver who treats you like a fool and drives you around in circles thinking you don't know where you're going? or how about the government employee who tells you they're closed when it's only 3 in the afternoon? or worse, a brother who demoralizes you? funny when you see him approaching, you tend to move to another direction. But still, God said love your enemies.

We sometimes become so self righteous that we don't even know we've become one. Who are we to hold a grudge against someone that long? Or maybe I should ask myself that question. Why have I been so far sighted that all I saw was the mistake of others?

I'm not perfect, no one is. That's the point. Instead of pointing fingers at others, why not look at what God is pointing at you? You only point a finger at others but the rest is pointing at you.

This is why I love God so much; he teaches me, he corrects me, he molds me. While it is true that healing will take time (and we should respect that), forgiveness is a choice that has to be done as soon as the offense is made. Healing will not take it's course until the choice to forgive is released. God bless.